The Apprentice Series 9 Episode 4 Review

Apprentice 2013 week 4

After being two days late in writing my review last week, I promised to not be late on this one. So here I am, refusing an offer to go to the pub, writing this as I’m watching the fourth episode of the ninth season of The Apprentice.

5:20am and… half the candidates look already dressed before they get the phone call. 5:20?!? That’s like the middle of the night! The only time I ever dressed at that time is when I just get in from a night out, kebab in hand. And those bits are blurry.

The contestants are summoned to the farm and Lord Sugar tries to build up suspense about the task. It’s a farm shop, duh.

The teams are mixed gender so at least one of the girls will be on the winning team, for once. Rebecca the Hilary Devey lookalike wants to be project manager but gets shot down by Luisa. Sparks are going to fly.

Neil Clough (the one who refers to himself in third person a lot) is in charge of the other team. Alex suggest cheese on toast but gets some dirty looks from his teammates. But now I want cheese on toast. Dracula has powers of hypnotism. That or cheese on toast is just that good. Once again, another brilliant idea thrown out the window. Bacon flavoured beer, I will never forget.

Sadly Alex doesn’t have the power of calculations. And can’t keep up with a cow. After last week’s win he’s back to being the clown.

My housemate just came down and I got distracted, but the Apprentice Twitter tweeted (as you do) that someone confused a cow for a horse. And then a dog. I’m glad I didn’t see that. My faith in humanity has been shaken a fair bit today as is.

Kurt, whose business is about fruit drinks is all focusing on milkshakes. Karren isn’t convinced, maybe he should tell her that it is certain to bring boys to the yard.

There’s an eggs in one basket joke. Sigh. I am allowed to make bad puns because KEYBOARD WARRIOR!!

Neil is not happy at the end of day one, but I bet its just the editing. His team will probably win. Or not. As I said before, I really don’t know who will win or lose. Unlike X Factor, its not totally predictable after all these years. Fairplay.

Day 2 and Luisa has called her shop Buffalocal and cleverly put Nadine Coyle  in charge of charming the customers. She’s also put Rebecca on onion cutting duties. Because she loves to make her cry.

The other team have called their shop… ‘Fruity Cow’ I’m not even. But their milkshakes are bringing people to the yard. Karren makes a joke about orders thick and fast. Leave them to me please, K babe.

At this point I’d like to point out something mentioned by @islandniles on Twitter: the Android logo is featured SO MANY times per episode. And yet they have to refer to Argos as “the big catalogue shop”. Food for thought there.

Jason makes the kind of comment that is going to bite him, stating ‘he’s happy to be in the back doing all the hard labour’. Grating cheese. Hmmmmmm. Then again I love cheese. Did I mention that? Cheese.

Neil and Myles both bitch to the camera about how useless Jason and Uzma are, whilst Jason and Uzma both gush about how amazing they think they’re doing. Alex is doing a pretty good attempt at sales outside, bellowing in his dulcet tones. I want to know if he’s related to the fruit stall man who stands at the top of Cardiff Queen Street every single day.

Oh, and Lord Sugar tweeted this…

AppEp4 Tweet 1

And then makes many, many cowboy jokes in the boardroom. And then to balance out the product placement, makes a joke about Apple and Blackberry milkshakes tasting like smartphone. Or something. I sighed loudly as soon as he started that sentence.

Neil’s team made an alright profit of £500 and once again the team I thought would lose made a profit of £91 more. Kurt looks dismayed, I think he is going to sue Kelis because of lack of boys in his yard.

Luisa doesn’t seem to take winning very well, refusing to hug outside the boardroom and storming away. The four course meal and alcohol cheers her up. No amount of sugar in Kurt’s tea can cheer him up.

There is a brilliant boardroom moment where every candidate tries to get everyone else to be quiet and ends up making everyone else talk louder and then Alex pipes up and everyone zips their lips. He made me laugh at everyone else, not himself. Fairplay.


Neil brings Kurt and Uzma back to the boardroom, and for her, its a losing battle. She tries to say she is an easy target because Lord Splenda said last week he has his eye on her. I think it’s because she’s done naff all personally. She’s going to go.

But now he’s ripping into Kurt, unfairly in my high opinion. Maybe he’s going to go.


Oh, Uzma’s gone. Phew, I was on tenterhooks.

Next week… everyone’s off to Dubai. Interesting.

But for now, off to the pub!


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