I’m Spinning Around… If Your Singing Is Good Enough: Is Kylie on The Voice a good thing?

If you hadn’t heard by now, The Voice UK is coming back to our screens in January, just as soon as we thought we were safe for a while with X Factoover. This time, Danny from The Script and Juh Juh Jessie J aren’t returning alongside Sir Tom Jones and (sigh) will.i.am. But the rumours have been confirmed, Goddess of Pop Kylie Minogue will!

Those folks over at Digital Spy did a survey about whether this is a good choice and 90.9% of people who voted said YES. But with this being the internet there have been a few complaints, ones I’d like to address here.

Who even is Kylie anyway? Isn’t she that backing singer on Taio Cruz’s ‘Higher’?

Luckily I’ve not seen this one as an actual complaint. As astonishing as I find some ‘young people’s’ lack of musical knowledge (how can you not know who Hooverphonic are?? I mean, for real real), I think everyone AT LEAST knows ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’.

She’s old, and doesn’t know what’s relevant.

I’m not a violent person but I would slap anyone who says this near me in person. First of all, Sir Tom Jones is a lot older than Kylie and he’s probably the best coach on the show. So come back to me when you are her age and see if you look this good:

Secondly, like the Welsh legend, you don’t last that long in music without knowing what works and what doesn’t. And especially in Kylie’s case, when something doesn’t work (cough*Body Language*cough) you re-invent yourself and make that work. Kylie’s got a great business head on her, she may not always write her own songs (but she has, go listen to Impossible Princess and then tell me she has no indie cred) but she is FAR from a puppet. And that’s what The Voice is all about right? Finding a winner who will be an ‘artist’, not a product.

But Dannii was rubbish on X Factor.

Incorrect.

Why should she judge/coach a singing competition? She can’t sing.

This one seems to have come up a fair bit as well. A lot of people are saying Kylie can’t sing based on her squeaky voice in the eighties, where she was a soap star going into music and not a professionally trained singer. Like the business side of her career, Kylie has improved on her voice greatly and knows exactly what she is and isn’t capable of. Despite what X Factor would have you believe, you don’t need to be a massive belter like Adele or Beyonce to be a good singer. Listen to last year’s ‘The Abbey Road Sessions’ or the below clip to see (hear) her strengths; sexy, vulnerable, perfect higher register coos, just… EMOTION!!

She’s boring.

Once again… OH NO YOU DIDN’T! I think in today’s bitchy celebrity society, being genuinely nice is seen as being dull as dishwater. I disagree there, Danny from The Script didn’t seem that polite in the way Kylie is yet he was like drying paint. Kylie’s got a wicked sense of humour I think will fit well with the other coaches, and hopefully she can bring some warmth, self-depreciation, glamour and… a fair bit of camp.

Now prepare for the best 3 minutes ever, made even more hilarious in hindsight due to this casting announcement.

The show is boring.

OK yes I will definitely give you that one. As a format The Voice UK loses its way after the spinning chair auditions round, and all the added quirks in series two just made it all the more confusing. The selling point is the show is without gimmicks, and overlooking the fact blind auditions are the biggest gimmick of all, all the rules about stealing contestants and battles are overcomplicated. The show takes itself far too seriously and Kylie alone can’t change that. We need to care about the contestants too. The producers need to work out the formula before January and stick to it, the judging panel revamp and getting KYLIE BLOODY MINOGUE is the best chance they have of turning the show around. Don’t screw it up.

Oh and did you know, Kylie singed with Roc NationJay-Z‘s record/management label and has a new album (her 12th studio one!) coming out next year. If The Voice UK series 3 fails as a show overall, it’ll still be a major platform for her to promote her newest tunes.

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‘The Apprentice Series Nine Episode… Eight? Let’s Go With Eight’ Review

Apprentice 2013 week 8

I wasn’t jotting stuff down whilst watching this episode for a few reasons. Firstly, I got carried away trying to make a playlist that started off as ‘melancholic electronic’ but ended up being anything with bleepy-bloopy (industry term) sounds or a synthesiser in it. Secondly I was enjoying this episode too much. I think it’s one that will go down in The Apprentice legends, alongside:

I completely remember why I adore this show.

This week’s task was come up with a website and an advert, which already means great television is afoot. Adverts and The Apprentice go hand in hand like pasta and cheese, cheese on toast, any food with cheese…

Oh, and bacon flavoured beer. I’m still not letting that one go.

But what makes this task even better is what area the contestants have to work in: online dating. This would have easily made my Top 5 Apprentice Episodes Ever based on Alex’s shenanigans. Basically he makes lots of Fifty Shades jokes (“I’m Christian Grey of the Valleys” is a classic) and this happens:

Our poor Welsh Vampiric  Underdog tries to go for Project Manager, having experience in Web Design before. He gets outvoted and the team put Jordan in charge. Jordan is the one who hasn’t got Web Design experience, is usually in the background milling around doing stuff but not much and tweeted this…

AppEp8 Tweet

Interestingly enough, their team wins too. Not because they were great or anything, their dull corporate website clashed with their hilarious advert with mascara-d up Alex (or Herbert) and Unsayshuhbuhl Nuhdeen Leah Coyle voiceover. No, Jordan‘s team won because the other team redefined ‘disasterrific’.

Where do I begin? Let’s bullet point this:

  • Jason was voted as Project Manager. The man has no leadership qualities, was two hours late for a meeting because he was faffing around with a website that they actually never finished.
  • The team went for the Over-50s market despite knowing nothing about the Over-50s and the strange planet they live on.
  • Francesca and The Man Who Refers To Himself Only As Neil Clough made the most stilted yet patronising advert of all time. That wink will haunt my dreams.

But what really made this possibly my favourite Apprentice episode of all time was a first for the show. After nine seasons, a Project Manager actually abdicated.

Well, I say abdicated I mean BULLIED INTO SUBMISSION!!!!

I just googled ‘Apprentice Luisa‘ and well… there were lots of photos not suitable for this respectable blog, or work. Or my eyes.

But anyway, Luisa came across as evil incarnate in this episode and… I kind of loved it. Despite selling a whole caravan last week, its clear Jason wasn’t following it up and spent four hours choosing the colour of a logo. So Luisa donned her black hooded robe, raised her hand and spoke those immortal words “You will pay the price for your lack of vision” and out of her perfectly manicured claws came lightning bolts of searing pain. Jason whimpered around on the floor, trying (not very hard) to resist until it became too much and he threw in the towel.

Surely under the leadership of a strong power-crazy Empress happy to trample over anyone in her way, Luisa will lead her trembling followers to victory in this task?

Well, as I’ve already written above: no.

Although their team had consistency between advert and design, it was consistently rubbish. So it was a hollow victory to Herbert and friends who got to do some posh food tasting and most importantly, avoided the war between Jason, Luisa and Francesca. It made for one of the best boardroom scenes, with Nick VS Luisa, Jason VS Luisa (still, a mostly one-sided battle), Lord Sugababe VS Luisa and Francesca actually showing some personality! Lo and behold, she is almost as catty as Luisa. I cannot wait to see these two clash. I also worry for Karren, who is going to keep a very close eye on The Empress. If she ends up battered, bruised and/or missing, I will be very upset.

Anyway, Jason obviously gets fired and on the spinoff show You’re Fired proves he’s actually really funny. And not just to laugh at, although there is a VT of him talking about how inspirational his teddy bear is so…

Next week: ready meals. As a student (for another two weeks until I graduate) I am very intrigued as to what they will come up with.

Oh but wait!

I’m on holiday, so who knows when I will review it.

Casting The New Doctor

Lots has happened in the week so lets quickly recap that.

Game of Thrones was amazing.

I wrote an article for big and important website Popjustice, but alas it hasn’t been published yet.

The Apprentice was on.

I didn’t watch it, or blog about it.

I was writing the PJ article instead.

I had a real job interview. It was not like The Apprentice.

I didn’t get the job. Though I looked dapper in a waistcoat.

Matt Smith announced the Christmas Special will be his last on Doctor Who.

To make up for the lack of Apprentice, and to contribute to the internet’s musings over who will replace Smith, I offer the BBC an idea…

CAST THE NEW DOCTOR THROUGH AN APPRENTICE STYLE REALITY SHOW!

Doctor Who Fired

I mean what could possibly go wrong? It is actually genius, think about it…

  • I didn’t watch or write about The Apprentice last week, this is the final piece of evidence that people are getting bored of it, after nine whole series’. This show is like that one, so there is familiarity, and the Who connection will bring in the viewers.
  • The BBC loves gimmicky reality shows, it recommissioned The Voice for a third run this week.
  • It will be television gold. Think of tasks such as trying not to get killed by a Dalek, speaking gibberish really fast, HAMMY ACTING!, pretending that each new Monster of the Week is more dangerous than the last and trying to negotiate Moffat’s convoluted plotting with a straight face.
  • Whilst they are at it, they may want to cast a new companion too. Clara is pretty dull character, so why not have six pretty ladies vie for the role of the companion to give the show sex appeal and bring in more viewers.
  • Whilst they are at doing that other thing they are whilst they are it-ing, why not do a BBC Four spinoff looking for a new showrunner. It’ll be about writers and that’s intellectual. Diversity!
  • The Whoniverse needs some new spinoffs after Confidential and The Sarah Jane Adventures got cancelled, and Torchwood mutated into something that… wasn’t Torchwood. The Beeb is all about brands, identity, expansion and all that. It’s perfect.

So there’s a few of my clearly jokey musings. Hardcore fans and the BBC, do not take this seriously and thereby blacklist me from ever being in your employ. Comments and further ideas are welcome. Thanks for reading!