So the second episode of the new series of The Apprentice has JUST finished as I start to type this, so it’s time to jointly watch You’re Fired and assemble my bullet points into something resembling a review.
Today’s episode starts on a high because…
THE THEME TUNE IS BACK!
And it gets better, tonight’s episode involves alcohol. I don’t think I’ve ever been as psyched for an episode of the Apprentice ever. Imagine the ‘LOLZ’ (modern term) as the candidates get all merry from tasting the product they have to make, or have a cheeky pint whilst working ‘because of the stress’ and start firing off incoherent insults at each other and throwing up on SirAlun in the boardroom.
OK, that’s never going to happen but tonight’s is a bit of a gem. In the bank that is now a pub (sounds like my kind of bank) SirLordAlunSugar puts Tim in charge of the girls team after his little outburst at the end of the last episode. I’m assuming he chose Tim because as much of a wally as he looked, at least he knew the poor wally’s name. “Beer is the most popular alcoholic drink in Britain” he tells them (or close enough to, I quickly jotted this one down as I was forgetting it) and sets them off on a task to make and sell it. I’m a little surprised by this fact, £1 Jagerbombs are pretty popular amongst the kids nowadays, not that I’d know…
Anyway… onto the bit where the contestants, desperate to prove their creative GENIUS, offer ideas for what flavour beers to make.
First suggestion: nettles flavour.
Like, stingy stuff. Or worse…
JOHN NETTLES FLAVOUR!
But, joking aside, one of the boys comes up with an idea that is actually genuinely actually the best idea anyone has ever had on The Apprentice if not ever, except for maybe the internet and pre-grated cheese in a plastic bag. Ready?
Bacon Flavoured Beer.
This actually sounds incredible, I genuinely was eating a packet of Smoky Bacon Crisps whilst watching this episode and thinking that in the pub, I often have the taste of ye olde ale and bits of streaky walkers mixed in my mouth (such a LAD). Combining the two would be the most ultimate manly thing in the world, apart from my iTunes playlist (end sarcasm here).
But in the end they go for Chocolate and Orange. But not Chocolate Orange flavour, because Terry’s and this woman would have a few issues with that…
The girls led by Tim go for an odd choice of Rhubarb and caramel. It doesn’t fill me with me confidence but they enthusiastically tell Karren about their choice, who just shrugs. Like the legend that she is.
As Lord Siralun pointed out on up and coming social media site ‘Twitter’
Although I stuck up for Alex yesterday, I have to notice that he did look quite Dracula-y running around the lab with a vial. He did rightly calling Jason a ‘stupid s**t’ and ‘dozey pleb’ so swings and roundabouts.
The teams name their beers Rhubarb & Riches, for the rhubarb one, and A Bitter This for the other. One of these is genius. And I have to disagree with Lord Shugs, puns win me over everytime. I mean… PantsMan!
So after the first day, despite the boys not being able to drink or not fans of drinking they still crack on OK for day one. Tim’s team… well by the end of the first day they’ve wasted a few kegs which amounts to £100 due to poor ratios. As Primarch Alan points out:
Though to be honest he admitted he was watching The Apprentice and the football at the same time, so goodness knows who he’s on about.
Onto Day Two and things get worse for Tim’s Team (which sounds like a dodgy spinoff of Time Team). They go to a ‘beerfest’ which turns out to be a gathering in a pub. Seriously, I’ve had more people at house parties, but then again my playlist did include the Cha-Cha Slide. The boys sell their pint in a more busy location for £4 a pop, which doesn’t seem that bad to me considering a lot of pubs I go to charge something stupid like £3.09. Sometimes I think they might as well just round up to the nearest pound. Nick doesn’t agree and does some frowning. I’m a bit disappointed by any killer one liners by Mr. Hewer. Karren has a good go, observing ‘there are lots of people at this wine bar. Drinking wine…’ Can you imagine the gold these two could’ve come out with if they were drinking on the job? Seriously, if they do this task again the producers should definitely consider it – there’s so much potential here!
As time goes on the boys team start making a few blunders. They go to see a specialist and don’t bring anything for them to try. Maybe the boys have been drinking after all! The specialist shoots them down and there is a wonderfully silent tracking shot of them walking down the street. Alex/Dracula doesn’t look best pleased at all. Or maybe it’s the sunlight. The other half of the team move base to the South Bank, wasting over an hour in transit and leaving them with only two hours to sell 300 (pints, not the film). You know what would sell, boys?
LOOK AT THE BACON (DAYUM)
Meanwhile, Tim’s Team don’t really deserve me commenting on their performance because it might bring me to despair. One good thing I will say though is that Leah brings her Nadine’s Irish Mist skills to the table and makes me love her a little bit more.
To the boardroom now! Emperor Sugar (I’m running out of these fast) starts off with: ““Alex, sit up properly… something wrong? You got a backache or something?” which I find a bit rude. Sleeping in a coffin is probably quite painful you know.
I really should stop with these clichés actually, because I’m about to berate SirAlun, who told us in the last episode how much he HATES them, for calling non-drinker Zee “dryer than a cream cracker in the Sahara desert” and ends the boys arguing by saying “Time gentlemen, please”. At least he redeems himself with the excellent putdown of “Are you from the office of fair trading?”.
Of course, Our Lord doesn’t just make witty one-liners on the show, no no. He tweets new ones as well, as you’ve seen above. They don’t always have proper spelling or grammar but I can imagine that he’s just thought of something so excellent he just can’t wait to get it out. Or he’s tweeting from an Amstrad brand iPad. The Amspad? I’ve got nothing.
‘The ladies seem to like Tim’ he tweets with irony. Except that their team fails under his leadership, and they blame him for it. They don’t seem to like each other much either. Lord Sugar calls all the girls ‘dumb’ and they are sitting there with ‘dumb’ expressions on their faces. They do look a bit like rabbits in headlights, or like they are at an audition for a manufactured girlband (and we could really do with some more actually, Girls Aloud split, The Saturdays all getting pregnant, Stooshe delaying their album, Little Mix messing up their latest single release).
As I said, the girls lose so therefore the boys win and get to jet off to Belgium. Thinking about it, there are some really good treats for the winners. I may enter this show just to get the chance for these all-expenses paid nice things and the chance to meet Dara when I get booted off the show. I have a chance, I can come up with terrible metaphors (as evidenced, well, everywhere) and have no business sense. I’d fit right in.
In the boardroom Tim, Rebecca and Francesca all get a major tongue lashing from Lord GaGa. And this is why I continue to watch The Apprentice. As reality shows go on, they get predictable to the point you know exactly what is coming up and nothing surprises you. But of the final three contestants, I rarely know what will happen. I thought Rebecca looked likely to go, despite apparently being the best seller, better than everyone else on either team COMBINED. But she was demolished for being difficult in other areas, whereas Francesca who should’ve gone had less of a verbal throttling. In the end it was Tim who went, which is shame because he was bouncy and fun – even comparing himself to Tigger in unshown footage from You’re Fired. Dara even gave him a Tigger onesie.
The biggest shame is that of all the contestants who went, it was one whose name I didn’t have to look up whilst writing this.