The Apprentice Series 9 Episode 2 Review

Apprentice 2013 week 2

So the second episode of the new series of The Apprentice has JUST finished as I start to type this, so it’s time to jointly watch You’re Fired and assemble my bullet points into something resembling a review.

Today’s episode starts on a high because…



And it gets better, tonight’s episode involves alcohol. I don’t think I’ve ever been as psyched for an episode of the Apprentice ever. Imagine the ‘LOLZ’ (modern term) as the candidates get all merry from tasting the product they have to make, or have a cheeky pint whilst working ‘because of the stress’ and start firing off incoherent insults at each other and throwing up on SirAlun in the boardroom.

OK, that’s never going to happen but tonight’s is a bit of a gem. In the bank that is now a pub (sounds like my kind of bank) SirLordAlunSugar puts Tim in charge of the girls team after his little outburst at the end of the last episode. I’m assuming he chose Tim because as much of a wally as he looked, at least he knew the poor wally’s name. “Beer is the most popular alcoholic drink in Britain” he tells them (or close enough to, I quickly jotted this one down as I was forgetting it) and sets them off on a task to make and sell it. I’m a little surprised by this fact, £1 Jagerbombs are pretty popular amongst the kids nowadays, not that I’d know…

Anyway… onto the bit where the contestants, desperate to prove their creative GENIUS, offer ideas for what flavour beers to make.

First suggestion: nettles flavour.

Nettles flavour.


Like, stingy stuff. Or worse…



But, joking aside, one of the boys comes up with an idea that is actually genuinely actually the best idea anyone has ever had on The Apprentice if not ever, except for maybe the internet and pre-grated cheese in a plastic bag. Ready?

Bacon Flavoured Beer.

This actually sounds incredible, I genuinely was eating a packet of Smoky Bacon Crisps whilst watching this episode and thinking that in the pub, I often have the taste of ye olde ale and bits of streaky walkers mixed in my mouth (such a LAD). Combining the two would be the most ultimate manly thing in the world, apart from my iTunes playlist (end sarcasm here).

But in the end they go for Chocolate and Orange. But not Chocolate Orange flavour, because Terry’s and this woman would have a few issues with that…

The girls led by Tim go for an odd choice of Rhubarb and caramel. It doesn’t fill me with me confidence but they enthusiastically tell Karren about their choice, who just shrugs. Like the legend that she is.

As Lord Siralun pointed out on up and coming social media site ‘Twitter’

AppEp2 Tweet 1


Although I stuck up for Alex yesterday, I have to notice that he did look quite Dracula-y running around the lab with a vial. He did rightly calling Jason a ‘stupid s**t’ and ‘dozey pleb’ so swings and roundabouts.

The teams name their beers Rhubarb & Riches, for the rhubarb one, and A Bitter This for the other. One of these is genius. And I have to disagree with Lord Shugs, puns win me over everytime. I mean… PantsMan!

So after the first day, despite the boys not being able to drink or not fans of drinking they still crack on OK for day one. Tim’s team… well by the end of the first day they’ve wasted a few kegs which amounts to £100 due to poor ratios. As Primarch Alan points out:

AppEp2 Tweet 2

Though to be honest he admitted he was watching The Apprentice and the football at the same time, so goodness knows who he’s on about.

Onto Day Two and things get worse for Tim’s Team (which sounds like a dodgy spinoff of Time Team). They go to a ‘beerfest’ which turns out to be a gathering in a pub. Seriously, I’ve had more people at house parties, but then again my playlist did include the Cha-Cha Slide. The boys sell their pint in a more busy location for £4 a pop, which doesn’t seem that bad to me considering a lot of pubs I go to charge something stupid like £3.09. Sometimes I think they might as well just round up to the nearest pound. Nick doesn’t agree and does some frowning. I’m a bit disappointed by any killer one liners by Mr. Hewer. Karren has a good go, observing ‘there are lots of people at this wine bar. Drinking wine…’ Can you imagine the gold these two could’ve come out with if they were drinking on the job? Seriously, if they do this task again the producers should definitely consider it – there’s so much potential here!

As time goes on the boys team start making a few blunders. They go to see a specialist and don’t bring anything for them to try. Maybe the boys have been drinking after all! The specialist shoots them down and there is a wonderfully silent tracking shot of them walking down the street. Alex/Dracula doesn’t look best pleased at all. Or maybe it’s the sunlight. The other half of the team move base to the South Bank, wasting over an hour in transit and leaving them with only two hours to sell 300 (pints, not the film). You know what would sell, boys?


Look At The Bacon

Crispety crunch.

Meanwhile, Tim’s Team don’t really deserve me commenting on their performance because it might bring me to despair. One good thing I will say though is that Leah brings her Nadine’s Irish Mist skills to the table and makes me love her a little bit more.

To the boardroom now! Emperor Sugar (I’m running out of these fast) starts off with: ““Alex, sit up properly… something wrong? You got a backache or something?” which I find a bit rude. Sleeping in a coffin is probably quite painful you know.

I really should stop with these clichés actually, because I’m about to berate SirAlun, who told us in the last episode how much he HATES them, for calling non-drinker Zee “dryer than a cream cracker in the Sahara desert” and ends the boys arguing by saying “Time gentlemen, please”.  At least he redeems himself with the excellent putdown of “Are you from the office of fair trading?”.

Of course, Our Lord doesn’t just make witty one-liners on the show, no no. He tweets new ones as well, as you’ve seen above. They don’t always have proper spelling or grammar but I can imagine that he’s just thought of something so excellent he just can’t wait to get it out. Or he’s tweeting from an Amstrad brand iPad. The Amspad? I’ve got nothing.

AppEp2 Tweet 3

‘The ladies seem to like Tim’ he tweets with irony. Except that their team fails under his leadership, and they blame him for it. They don’t seem to like each other much either. Lord Sugar calls all the girls ‘dumb’ and they are sitting there with ‘dumb’ expressions on their faces. They do look a bit like rabbits in headlights, or like they are at an audition for a manufactured girlband (and we could really do with some more actually, Girls Aloud split, The Saturdays all getting pregnant, Stooshe delaying their album, Little Mix messing up their latest single release).

As I said, the girls lose so therefore the boys win and get to jet off to Belgium. Thinking about it, there are some really good treats for the winners. I may enter this show just to get the chance for these all-expenses paid nice things and the chance to meet Dara when I get booted off the show. I have a chance, I can come up with terrible metaphors (as evidenced, well, everywhere) and have no business sense. I’d fit right in.

In the boardroom Tim, Rebecca and Francesca all get a major tongue lashing from Lord GaGa. And this is why I continue to watch The Apprentice. As reality shows go on, they get predictable to the point you know exactly what is coming up and nothing surprises you. But of the final three contestants, I rarely know what will happen. I thought Rebecca looked likely to go, despite apparently being the best seller, better than everyone else on either team COMBINED. But she was demolished for being difficult in other areas, whereas Francesca who should’ve gone had less of a verbal throttling. In the end it was Tim who went, which is shame because he was bouncy and fun – even comparing himself to Tigger in unshown footage from You’re Fired. Dara even gave him a Tigger onesie.

The biggest shame is that of all the contestants who went, it was one whose name I didn’t have to look up whilst writing this.



The Apprentice Is Back!


I always get excited when a new series of The Apprentice starts on BBC One.

I mean, weeks upon weeks of catfights, egos, genuine tension in the boardroom, Lord Sugar’s putdowns, Karren looking bewildered at stupid decisions and Nick Hewer’s facial expressions.

But most of all, the thing I get excited about is THAT music!

So, as the first TV show I want to review/write about on this sparkly new blog, I thought this was the most apt an-


Where’s the theme music?


 OK, well despite the lack of ‘Most Grandiose Yet Spine-Tingling Television Introduction Theme Ever’ this new series started off well, with the amazingly stupidest, stupidly amazingest (amupidest? – add it to the Anderictionary) boasts right off the bat.

One -I don’t know names yet, I never do until week 5- happily claims to EVERYONE WATCHING they will cheat and manipulate to win, lucky for them its not a public vote. There’s more gems “I am one of the greats of this generation… (something about Napoleon) I will conquer!”, “Energy of a Duracell Rabbit and the sex appeal of Jessica Rabbit”. Blimey.

My favourite has to be the woman who claimed to be ‘half machine’ and can process things at the speed of light.


Where’s Jedi Jim when you need him?

 This was Jaz, unlike many first week losers I think she’ll be remembered for actually doing jazz hands and according to Twitter looks a lot like Mel B. When it came to being Project Manager (which you should NEVER do on week 1, let alone throw yourself forward to do it) she could have done with a bit of scary. No one took her seriously and she didn’t have a great business plan. Her sub team did better, led by Leah – whose name I remember because she is Irish and as Nadine Coyle proves, the Irish do everything better.



A lot of the episode was a bit standard: sales blunders, running around like headless chickens and slick editing to make it look pretty close between the two teams. And it actually was, Sir Alun (as he will forever be known) and co. revealed the difference was only £58 in the boardroom.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, because before the boardroom…


Finally one of life’s greatest mysteries is getting closer to being solved. At first I thought the legendary Apprentice Secretary was a mannequin or elaborate BBC prop, or even controversial Series Three contestant Katie Hopkins actually having a job for Lord Sugar (Sir Alun) giving the already nervous contestants evil glares.

But now, to the boardroom!

Its a bit too early in the series to know everyone’s names, and also too early for the really venomous comments to come out but we had some great moments, the two that stick out for me most are:

  • Jaz trying to knock down Sophie (I’ve resorted to checking the website for names, if I’m going to write about the show I think its best to learn them sooner or later, although I shall try not to get too attached because they are all going to drop like flies) by pointing out the latter made no sales. LordAlun quickly responded with the fact Jazz sold absolutely zero as well. And then fired her. 
  • After the boys won, Tim went on some odd tangent about how he’s learned from his mistakes and will do better next time, prompting Alan of Amstrad to issue a priceless “you won…. you won… shut up.” In his defence it got him noticed, I hadn’t even noticed him speak all episode. All publicity is good publicity.

The standout star of the episode had to be Welsh man Alex.

But not in a good way.

Most of the Twittersphere, one of his fellow contestants and everyone on You’re Fired compared to him – not Freddie Mercury, sorry boyo – but Dracula. I’ve seen a few comparison pictures and Dara did show us a great mockup which I was going to post here BUT I stumbled across this:


Put. DOWN.

I’m guessing he’s not going to be the winner this series.

But seriously though.

I mean, how can you be nasty about this face?


Bless his cotton socks. Maybe I just like the underdog, or its because he’s a fellow Welshman. Saying that though, so far – my money’s on Nadin- Leah.

Thanks for reading my first television review/blog post, I hope it was mildly amusing. I’m sure these will get better, I’ve just kind of knocked it out instead of going to bed. If you have read this and would like to give me a few pointers on what works or what didn’t (or are looking for a weekly Apprentice reviewer…) then feel free to get in touch.